the gift. my gift.

waiting till 00.00 a.m. at that day. 

ak nyalain lampu sherry, kue opera yang ada lilin ke 19 nya, aku nyalain pelan-pelan. menunggu alarm BB bunyi dan menandakan his birthday. 

"hai, XX. kamu ultah ya hari ini? Happy birthday ya, XX. ehm, wish u all the best aja.. always be the best malahann.. wkwk. pokoknya smua yang baik-baik aja ya.. hehe. ehm, aku lagi kangen kamu, berharap bisa punya banyak keberanian buat angkat kue ini dan bawa kehadapan kamu, berharap bisa sodorin kue ini, minta kamu buat make A wish dan tiup lilinnya, sayangnya aku ndak sanggup, jadi, ak diam-diam merayakan ulang tahunmu.. aku tiup lilinnya setelah aku wish buat kamu ya?" Mejem dengan tangan di dada. "I wish you will be the greatest guy in everyone's live. I wish you will leave many footprints in everyone's heart. I wish you always be my best and their best. I wish all the best things in this world just for you, my sunshine, my rain and my wind, (empat suku kata nama dia)" ZRASSHH!! Lilin ditiup dan padam. tepuk tangan. "Happy nineteenth years old, My love.. wish you always be happy dear.."

hening. hening. Lilin padam. tinggal lampu sherry yang berkedap kedip. aku narik napas panjang. 

"XX, ak cuma mau bilang. aku sayang sama kamu. entah setelah tau ini gimana reaksi kamu, aku berusaha buat terima dan lanjutin hidupku. aku cuma ndak bisa nahan ini terlalu lama, kadang aku kuat, tapi aku banyak ndak kuatnya, setiap kamu baik sama aku, aku jadi berharap, padahal aku tau aku ndak punya harapan. untuk itu, biarkan aku bilang semua ini, biar kamu tau, dan terserah kamu, aku mau kamu apakan ini.. aku suda hopeless, ndak nyangka aja, suka sama kamu bisa segini fatalnya. segini bikin aku down dan parah-parah dewe.. yaa, XX sebenarnya aku sendiri ndak merasa yang terbaik, banyak yang pasti jauh lebih baik dari aku buat kamu, cuma apa salah kalo aku sayangnya sama kamu? aku sendiri ndak bisa milih harus sayang sama sapa, if i can yaa, aku bakal pilih tehe perfect one, and it's not you. but for me now, you're my best.. so, yaaa.. aku sayang kamu titik. udah sekarang terserah kamu mau nya gimana.. jawabann keputusann di tanganmu, dan satu hal yang harus kamu ingat, kan kamu bilang aku dewaa, jadi aku pasti kuat kok. just believe me.."

Matiin recorder kamera. duduk memeluk lutut, membenamkan wajah dan menangis. "Happy birthday my dear, sorry for my tears.."

selesai. 

H - 6 to his birthday.

the time goes down and will leave me alone.
just standing there alone, and hold this balloon of memories.
i will cry, i will down and i will leave my life.
just because, i couldn't stand for this disappearance.
i couldn't stand in the way, where there will be not me and him again.
one last thing that I know. i should fix my heart as soon as possible,
and i should accept this loss. so I could life better for my part.
i hope.
i hope.
i hope.
i hope.
i hope.

Christian Pranata S..

okeee. pliss welcome another nice guy in my life.. wkwkwk, oke. jadi bestie ku yg satu ini, ber-nickname cepeh. wes, panggil ae gtu, rasa e de e ya ndak marahh kq.. wuahaha. kita satu jurusan dan HARUSnya kenal dari semester, tapi, baru saja kenal di semseter 3 ini. duh yaaa, semester 3 ku memang mantabs, ketemu banyak org, berteman lebih luass.. wkwk. jadi, singkat kata, kita suka bergunjing di FB, ngomong ngalor ngidul sampe ke gunung kidul, dan sampai akhirnya, isa sms an trus MSN ann.. singkat kata juga, kita punya bittersweet with the same person. sometimes sih.. haha..

FYI aja yaa, ak suka cerita sama cepeh.. kamu tw kenapa? dia sabar mendengarkan, trus dy juga sabar menanggapi, pake mbanyol2 nya juga, dan dia punya perspektif yang berbeda soal apa yang sedang ku buletisasiii.. wkwk. cepe juga jago tebak kondisi org. nah ini yang belakangan ku ketahui dan aku cukup syok. dia bisa tiba2 berkomentar, kamu hari ini beda. WAOW! keren keren, cepe bilang, eyes couldn't lie. oke, ak juga tau, tapi ak ndak bisa tuh baca matanya org.. wkwkw.. mantabss lah kao peh!

cepeh itu yaa, menurutku agak mirip2 aku, tp dia mana mau disamain sama aku, jadi ya es, dy agak beda sama aku.. setidake aku lebih gopoh lah, modelanne cepe itu take it easy! dia juga tipee.. err, lupa.. err, err, melan kalo ndak salah, ya emang cepe melan banget, tapi enak mayak2an sama diaa, apalagi soal his favorite girl. wkwk. peh, khusus bagiann ini, ak sebenarnya mau minta maaf, ak sendiri juga tau kamu ndak ada apa2 sama si itu, tapi maaf yaa, ak suka ae ngodain kamu, so jangan masukin di hati ya peh, plis plis plis.... *gaya nya yoyo* ak mek becanda tok loh peh, tapi ya sneng ae lah ya garainn kamu.. LOL.

err, ak juga tau sedikit soal Love Story nya cepe, hmm.. ak cuma mw bilang cepe kuat! kuat loh dia. he could stand at this all.. emang cowo selalu kuat yaaa.. hihi. oiaa, cepe ini sohib nya gun, mrk itu ibarate sepaket, trus kedatangann lainne, wah wah tambah meluas aja, oke kembali. cepe sohibnya gun. cukup.

apalagi ya? skandal skandal? cepe dan s*** atau cepe dan e***. ndak pantas diumbar. skip aja..

ya pokok e overall ya, cepe is really really nice guy. i hope, suatu saat cepe bisa speak up. ndak melan-melan lagi, soalnya aku jadi takut kamu ke-melan-an pehh.. wkwk... trus, cepe bisa jadi pemusik hebat! trus cepe juga bisa sekolah musik, ngelesi musik, dan smoga Tuhan berkehendak, ntik anak ku dan si itu akan ku les kan di engkau peh.. wkwk *yg terakhir ngarepp soroo*mupeng* wkwk..

pokok e, all best wishes for you deh, oia ada lagi, jangan sering2 bittersweet yaaa.. huahaha.. sabar sabar, as ur message, org sabar disayang Tuhan.. wkwk.

thank you for understanding me selama ini peh, you are nice boii .. ^^

hard to forget :(

another confession

aku suka banget sama pict satu ini. entah kenapa simple and deep. 

"Sometimes I promise that I'm ready to let him go..

But I don't ever wanna leave him alone.."

trus ak tambahin lanjutannya..

"I'm too afraind for seeing him being alone

I;m too afraid for seeing him back to the old..

Overall, I'm too afraid for leaving him.."

ya kan?

 never easy to forget someone. 

forget someone means you will release them

you will not giving any complain for everything they willl be

you will not having any chance to touch their life again

you will set them free, as everything they want.

b'coz of that. 

I never ready to forget him, I still couldn't stop to care with him.

my sunshine, my rain and my wind.

What You Mean To me - Sterling Knight

Can't blame you for thinking
That you never really knew me at all
I tried to deny you
But nothing ever made me feel so wrong

I thought I was protecting you
From everything that I go through
But I know that we got lost along the way

Here I am with all my heart
I hope you understand
I know I let you down
But I'm never gonna make
That mistake again
You brought me closer
To who I really am
Come take my hand
I want the world to see
What you mean to me
What you mean to me

Just know that I'm sorry
I never wanted to make you feel so small
Our story is just beginning
But let the truth break down these walls (oh yeah yeah)

And every time I think of you
I think of how you pushed me through
And show me how much better I could be

Here I am with all my heart
I hope you understand
I know I let you down
But I'm never gonna make
That mistake again
You brought me closer
To who I really am
Come take my hand
I want the world to see
What you mean to me (yeah)

You make me feel like I'm myself
Instead of being someone else
I wanna live that every day
You say what no one else was saying
You know exactly how to get to me
You know it's what I need
It's what I need yeah

Here I am with all my heart
I hope you understand (I hope you understand)
I know I let you down
But I'm never gonna make that mistake again (that mistake again)
You brought me closer
To who I really am
So come take my hand
I want the world to see
What you mean to me
What you mean to me 









dear mbekk, 
so come to me, and take my hand. i want the world to see. what you mean to me. what you really mean to me. how important you are. how precious you are. thank you for giving me a space for being my self. and sorry for pushing you too deep. i just can't let you fall again. sorry for still hoping for you. just for 0,01% of probability. LOL. 
today. i am missing your smile so much. when i could see your sweet smile again, err, don't forget to make your eyes lost when you're smiling to me. 

It Has To be You - yesung (suju) translation.

Lagu yang always stuck in my mind belakangan ini, lagu korea soundtracknya Cinderella's Step Sister. dan ini ak post lyrics english translation nya, just for the overall of this song. here is it,

It Has To Be You..

Today, I wander in my memory
I’m passing around on the end of this way
You’re still holding me tightly, even though I can’t see you any more
I’m losing my way again
I’m praying to the sky I want see you and hold you more
that I want to see you and hold you more
It can’t be if it’s not you
I can’t be without you
It’s okay if I’m hurt for a day and a year like this
It’s fine even if my heart’s hurts
yes because I’m just in love with you
I cannot send you away one more time
I can’t live without you
It can’t be if it’s not you
I can’t be without you
It’s okay if I’m hurt for a day and a year like this
It’s fine even if my heart’s hurts
yes because I’m just in love with you
My bruised heart
is screaming to me to find you
where are you?
can’t you hear my voice?
to me…
if I live my life again
if I’m born over and over again
I can’t live without you for a day
You’re the one I will keep
you’re the one I will love
I’m…yes because I’m happy enough if I could be with you

How's your feeling? is it too sweet? 

for me, is it too pain. because, i can't find him anymore. 

i just wait my rekarnation, to find him again.

I always forget to forget you.

'yes i do. when i try to forget you, in fact i never want to forget you. 

you are my sunshine in my day

you are the rain to make me brezze

you are the wind, the one who keeps me alive

and tell me, how to forget you?'